Posted by Nikki on September 2, 2010
Actually, make that a bigger bed. Every night I crawl into my queen-size bed with a 90 pound dog, a 44 pound child and no less than 35 stuffed animals ranging in size from itty-bitty to “if I knew I’d be sleeping with it. Occasionally we are joined by a cat that doesn’t give a crap if I don’t want her sleeping on top of my legs and an additional 55 pound dog that is still bitter she lost her spot to the boy. I have about as much space as I would if I were sleeping on the head of a nail. It doesn’t help that I got so used to sleeping with a Snoogle when I was pregnant that I couldn’t give it up, so that takes up additional precious real-estate. I figure at this point I’ve got two options- throw everyone out or get a bigger bed.
While option one seems like the most reasonable and inexpensive option, there are several reasons that it’ll just never happen. First, no matter how many cool sets of sheets I get Jake, his twin bed is still as brand-spanking new as it was when we got it over six months ago. He has never slept in it. He watches TV in it occasionally, but he just can’t make that leap to sleeping alone again. He’s afraid of ghosts and monsters, and no amount of reasoning with him is going to change it. I’ve tried everything from explaining that the dogs would eat the monsters to flat out telling him there is no such thing. I even lied and told him ghosts weren’t real. I know this is a lie because I’ve actually seen ghosts, not because I’m some sort of “I Want To Believe” type. But I figure a lengthy explanation about how ghosts actually work isn’t going to fix the problem. Unfortunately, lying didn’t either. He’s still in my bed and claims he’s sleeping there forever. I asked how his future wife would feel about that, and he replied that as long as she likes his stuffed animals, she can sleep with us too. Well I’m sure his future wife will love that!
I also have no hope of getting the 90 pound dog out of my bed. My other two dogs used to sleep with me too, but got pissed off when their spots were overtaken by a child and a slew of stuffed things that they’re not allowed to chew. So one moved upstairs with my mom and the other decided to settle for the couch most nights. Occasionally she tries to reclaim her spot by racing my son to the room, hopping in bed first and feigning deep sleep. Then she acts all put out when I tell her she has to move. She gives me the look that says “Hey, I called dibs on this spot long before you went and had that two-legged tormentor.” She does love my son, especially when he indulges her OCD fetching habit, but when it comes time for bed,she misses the days when she could breath in my face all night and kick me with her twitching dream legs. But the 90 pound boy doesn’t care if he has to share with off-limit “chew toys.” He staked out a spot at the foot of the bed and there he remains. Even when that spot is directly on top of my feet. He’s stubborn as an ox and flat out refuses to move until I decide to use him as a foot propper-upper. Then he grudgingly gives me an extra inch or so of space. I don’t even remember what it’s like to sleep with my legs completely stretched out.
The stuffed animals aren’t going anywhere either. In fact, they seem to multiply while we’re sleeping. Jake knows every last one that is there, and if I try to remove one, he’ll find it and put it back. Or he’ll become frantic. “Where is little bear! I can’t find him! He’s my absolute favorite, we have to find him!!” Little bear is smaller than the palm of my hand, and is only Jake’s absolute favorite when he is missing.
Sadly, option two isn’t really an option at this time either. My room is too small for a king bed. Maybe when we move I’ll be able to get a bigger bed. Or maybe the excitement of a new room will entice Jake to move back to his own. Or maybe I’ll just have to get used to sleeping on the head of a nail.
Posted by Nikki on August 21, 2010
As I mentioned in my kindergarten orientation post, I have a major issue with the school’s idea of recess, or rather lack thereof. I found out that Jake will only get 15 minutes of recess per day. This is a full-day kindergarten, 6.5 hours. They’ll be doing 1.5 hours of language arts, another hour of writing and nearly an hour of math. They’ll be expected to sit through all that, but only be given 15 minutes to really blow off steam. 15 minutes. Per day. For five year old children. I’m sorry, but this is completely fricken appalling to me. When I was in elementary school, we had morning and afternoon recess, and I’m sure they were longer than 10 minutes. The Pennsylvania Department of Education website has a sample full-day kindergarten schedule that lists two recess periods- a half hour morning recess and a lunch recess. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend that children get 60 minutes of active time a day and that much of this time could be given during school hours. KidsHealth.org explains several benefits of motivating kids to be active, including strong muscles and bones, a better outlook on life, weight control and better sleep.
The school instituted healthier eating policies, banning celebrations treats such as cupcakes and Halloween candy. They’re encouraging parents to pack only healthy lunches and snacks. But at the same time, they’re cutting way back on the amount of exercise children are getting. East Stroudsburg elementary schools proudly proclaim that they pass the nationwide tests every year. Their kids are academically sound. But at what price? Is it all about teaching to the test and making every part of the day revolve around said test? What kind of message does this send our children? It’s okay to let your health go as long as some standardized crappy test thinks you’re smart? Eating healthy is all you need to do to stay healthy, exercise doesn’t matter?
I am worried because I can’t imagine my son sitting still for hours on end with no way to let loose a little and get some of his pent-up energy out. No wonder so many children are getting slapped with the ADD label. They are expected to be perfect little automatons from day one. I’m going to give this a go, see if maybe they find a way to incorporate activity into the day in other ways. Gym is only twice a week, so that’s not going to be much help. If I feel that my child is suffering from a lack of physical activity though, I wont hesitate to pull him out and find him a better school. Even if the alternative includes the dreaded uniforms.
Posted by Nikki on August 20, 2010
My son had kindergarten orientation yesterday, at 9-freaken-am. First, who the hell has orientation that early? Half the kids were missing because parents were either on vacation or had to work (or maybe they just didn’t feel like getting out of bed that early). Jake and I didn’t sleep well the night before, he’s going through a “monsters are going to get me” phase. So we managed to get about 7 hours of sleep, which is not enough for either of us. Yeah, I know, there are those of you out there who can be perfectly perky on three hours of sleep. Woohoo for you. But I am not one of those people, and neither is my son. So we’re already pretty tired by the time we get to the school, and when we’re tired, we get extra weepy. Add to that the fact that he was terrified of the whole concept of kindergarten and I’m already bawling every time I think about it, and it didn’t make for a good start to the morning.
We were doing okay, sitting in our seats listening to the principal introduce the staff, drinking our PTO-provided apple juice and waiting to get started. Then they called the kids to go with their new teacher to the classroom. Jake lost it. He started with little tears and that terrified face and progressed to shaking hysterics. I wanted to grab him and bolt, screw this kindergarten crap, I can teach him at home! Well, I can’t, for many reasons, but the urge was there. The school secretary looked at me and said “let him go, he’ll be fine.” Then I started bawling. Perhaps I exhibited that same terrified look right before the tears came because the secretary rushed over and sat with me, patting my hand and telling me it was going to be okay. She stayed with me until it was her turn to speak, then came back again to check on me. I was mildly embarrassed, but hey, at least the school secretary will never forget me!
After listening to countless people tell us how important attendance is, we got to go the classroom and listen to the teacher explain every single form and pamphlet in a massive folder. While I appreciate the time she took, I never understood the need to explain every form in any given packet to grown adults. I can read. I can think. I can figure it out. Highlight the important information and let me go free. If someone else is struggling, let them go to the proper authority for assistance. I guess I’m just an impatient person. When that torture was finally over, we got to ride the bus. I haven’t ridden a school bus since I was in 8th grade, and Jake has never been on one that I know of. Maybe with pre-school, I don’t know if they used school buses or real buses for their trips. Then it was over. Now I have two weeks to fill out a ton of forms, which actually took me all of ten minutes to get through. I have another rant about recess, which I was going to put in this post but I think it deserves its own. So stay tuned for that!
Posted by Nikki on August 16, 2010
I was reading over book recommendations, as I always do when I can’t think of anything better to do (and need inspiration for a blog post that doesn’t involve spilling my guts about my private life) and came across a bunch of recommendations based on stuff I bought many years ago. I guess they’re finally scraping the bottom of the barrel for me now, I think I’ve exhausted Amazon. One of the recommendations was for a new Anne Rice book, about angels. Angels? Really? When did angels become the new, cool undead thing? Is Micheal the new Lestat? Gabriel the new Louis? Who will stand in for Claudia? I used to love Anne Rice, to the point that my friend (you really need a code name, since most of my past memories involve you somehow!) and I stood outside her home and played with her dog, just to say we could. We met her husband and left her a note. It was all creepily stalkerish in an innocent teenager sort of way, although we were far from innocent back then. But then Anne found god and I found myself with precious few hours to read after taking care of my son all day. So Anne found herself on the “not interested” list. Dean Koontz, another past favorite, is going to find himself there as well if he keeps churning out psuedo-intellectual thrillers that make very little sense and eat up hours of my time trying to get through them out of some sense of loyalty to the author. Dean used to write such cool and creepy tomes. Now he churns those suckers out two a year and is riding a wave of success based on little more than his moniker. Same with Dan Brown, who devastated me with his less than mediocre Lost Symbol.
I’m noticing a new pattern emerging though. All the authors I used to love seem to disappoint me lately. Maybe because I have such high expectations for them. New authors can skate by with a few thin plot lines or over-used devices. I cut them slack because there is a freshness to their characters and writing style that I don’t have with tried-and-true favorites. I also seem to be reading less intellectual fiction these days. Like movies, I want my fiction to transport me to a world that is completely different than my own and give me a break from the overwhelming anxiety I face in my day to day life. For instance, I love those urban fantasy fiction books like “Magic Burns” and “Ghouls Gone Wild.” They’re pretty mindless, completely void of any sort of true reality, occasionally silly yet very satisfying. Much like the satisfaction of eating empty calories in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I still read a lot of non-fiction because I love learning new things and no one can survive on junk food alone, but these days I lean more towards the “chew it up and spit it out” fare that I used to be so down on.
Funny how tastes change so much over the years. I do think a person’s bookshelf can tell you more about them than just about anything else. My bookshelf these days screams “brain-addled mom with the attention span of a gnat.” That’s probably better than five years ago, when it screamed “paranoid conspiracy theorist on the verge of a mental breakdown!”
Posted by Nikki on July 16, 2010
So yeah, I’m a little slow on the uptake. I’ve noticed over the past few months that new releases weren’t coming out on Netflix until like a month after videoeta.com said they were released. I kept wondering why I’d see movies for sale in stores but couldn’t rent them yet. Finally, I looked into it and found that months ago Netflix made a deal with several movie companies to delay releases for a month in hopes of increases the sales on those movies. A month??? Really? How is this a good idea? I get that big Hollywood threw some pretty words at Netflix, promised more streaming availability of the older movies no one really wants to see anymore anyway, yadda yadda etc and so on. Bottom line- Netflix screwed me out of actually seeing new releases while they’re still NEW and screwed themselves because Blockbuster and every other video rental company (except Redbox apparently) will have those movies on time. Netflix is going to have to change thier tagline to “All the old crap you don’t want to see but will watch because you’re paying $20 a month and have nothing better to do right now.” This just doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem fair to me, the consumer. I didn’t receive a notice saying “hey, you may want to cancel your account because we can no longer offer you new releases.” Seems I should have been given a heads-up.
What’s a girl to do? My options are limited. I don’t want to can my account because I do rent older stuff for my son occasionally, and my only local option is Blockbuster, a store that consistently forgets to check in my stuff, tries to charge me for it, practically calls me a liar when I insist I returned it, and offers no apology when they finally find it on their shelf exactly where they claimed to look five minutes ago before I started using words like “class action law suit.” OnDemand costs almost as much as Blockbuster and you only get the movie for 24 hours. What if something comes up and I can’t finish it? Then I have to pay to rent digital data again. My cable company is already raping me monthly, I’d rather not give them any more than I have to. So basically, I’m stuck with Netflix or nothing. Ah, I see! They knew it would come down to that! They realize they are the lesser of all evils and they can screw customers every which way till Sunday (anyone still having their account throttled for actually taking “unlimited” to heart?) and people will stay because the alternatives suck. Kind of like the American government!
Fine Netflix, I’m not threatening to abandon ship, but I am disappointed in you. And in an act of rebellion, I refuse to go out and buy those new releases as the movie studios were hoping I’d do. Maybe I’ll buy them used and circumvent everyone. HA! Take that!
Posted by Nikki on July 13, 2010
It’s been a while since I did this. One of my favorite “things to do when I’m really bored” is to go through my Amazon recommendations one by one, either adding stuff to my extensive wish lists or clicking the little “not interested” button 50 times before the program finally gets the hint. I am always amazed by the things that Amazon thinks I want based on the things I own or desire. Today’s gems include:
You said you owned Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, therefore you may want NEW CAR CHARGER for Apple iPod Video Nano iPhone touch. Never, ever have I claimed to own an iPod Nano iPhone. I don’t own anything with a lower-case “i” in the title, just on principal. But because I like a book about a teenage wizard, I may also enjoy a NEW CAR CHARGER. All in caps, mind you, for some sort of weird emphasis. They’re not even recommending that I get a lower-case “i” item. Just the charger.
Along those same lines, because I enjoyed Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I may also enjoy a Game Boy Advance Game Link Cable. Again, I do not own the fundamental item that is required for this recommendation to be of any use to me. Again, they’re not recommending I get said fundamental item. Nope, just another useless cable. You know, for my useless cable collection. Or maybe they realize I’m so poor, I have to start with the cheaper peripheral items and work my way up to the big shabang. Do they even make Gameboys anymore? I thought the DS wiped that out.
I purchased the Dropkick Murphy’s Live on Lansdowne CD when it came out. Suddenly, Amazon is recommending such greats as Hank Williams and Dolly Parton. Uh, Amazon, I can understand if you’ve never actually listened to the Murphys (although it’s totally your loss), but they’re not even remotely similar. Take a look at my buying history (since 90% of what I own came from you anyway). Does it seem like old Hank and Dolly fit in with the Rancid, NOFX, Guttermouth, Vandals or any of the other CD’s I’ve bought from you over the years?
I do have to thank Amazon though for providing me with hours of amusement, even when I’m too broke to buy anything off one of my seven wish lists. It really is my favorite little store that could turned “eat everything in it’s path” superstore. Where else, besides a vending machine in Japan, can you get coffee, books, underwear and sex toys?
Posted by Nikki on June 22, 2010
The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) is suing McDonalds because they feel selling Happy Meal toys violates consumer-protection laws. The are
demanding that the fast-food corporation stop using toys to market the meals to young children within the next 30 days, or they will go forward with their lawsuit. CSPI claims that including the toys with meals is “predatory” and that “marketing to children undermines parental authority and interferes with their ability to raise healthy children.”
Let’s stop there for a moment, because I’m already extremely insulted. CSPI, are you insinuating that I am incapable of thinking for myself and parenting my own child? Are you insinuating that if my child “nags” (their word, not mine) me to go to McDonalds, I have no choice but to say yes, because I’m clearly such an awful parent? I can’t think of anything else that you’d be insinuating. Clearly I need a bullying group like you to step in and take care of me and my son! You know what, since you feel you should have a hand in raising him, maybe you should be paying child support.
But CSPI isn’t done insulting parents. McDonalds offers healthy options, CSPI acknowledges that. All advertising features these healthy options. CSPI acknowledges that as well. But that’s not good enough, because, according to CSPI, the whole point is to lure kids inside where they will be served unhealthy options. Wow, McDonalds, who knew you were so devious? Luring my child into your restaurant, using your brainwashing techniques to make sure your desire to serve him unhealthy foods overrides my aforementioned shoddy parenting skills. I’m sure those apple slices and milk cartons are just props in your scheme to make our children fat! How stupid is that, really? It’s like saying “well, uh, we know you serve healthy options, but uh, it’s a ploy! More parents buy fries than apples! Ban the Happy Meal toy!” Again, CSPI is insulting my ability to steer my child in the right direction and override his unhealthy choices. My son doesn’t drink soda. He hates it. He only gets the low-fat chocolate milk. Yes, he gets the fries, and he eats about two of them. He also always gets the 4 piece nuggets, and eats about three of them. Also, McDonalds isn’t cheap anymore. We don’t go every day. We don’t even go every week. So even if he did eat the whole unhealthy shebang, over the course of a week it evens out. My doctor told me, and I’ve read this in books as well, look at what your child eats over a week or month, not over the course of a day. McDonalds has done their part by offering healthy options. The rest is up to the parents.
What will the grinches who would steal Happy Meal toys take away next? Video games geared towards children? Will they be stopping the production of Star Wars: Clone Wars Lego game because some children bug their parents to let them play games for 12 hours straight every day instead of going outside to exercise? Ban character-shaped fruit snacks? There’s no way those things are totally healthy.
I wouldn’t have a problem if these “Mommy the world” groups were set on educating rather than taking over. Educate parents about making healthier choices. But don’t try to make my choices for me. I didn’t even know who CSPI was until today. Now I am declaring them an enemy, a threat to my personal freedom to raise my child and make decisions for myself. I haven’t been this annoyed with an overly dramatic “think about the children!” group since Tipper Gore and her idiotic PMRC bull.
Posted by Nikki on
I’m leaving for my cruise Thursday morning. Actually, Weds night, since I’ll be staying with my aunt the night before we sail away. I’ve had about 4 months to prepare for this. A month ago, I started planning in earnest. Making lists, getting suitcases aired out, buying things here and there. I still had time. Two weeks ago, I still had time. Last week, I still had plenty of time. Shit! I’m leaving in two days! My three-page, size-10 font list is still missing items. I don’t have a small flashlight, duct tape or crazy glue! I don’t know why I would need these things, but the very extensive cruise-packing lists say I do, and I still don’t have them! What if we sink and my lifeboat springs a leak? I’ll really be wishing I had that damn crazy glue then, wont I? Mind you, my “small first aid kit” rivals the entire supply closet at, say, John Hopkins medical center and I have enough memory card space to take approximately 3000 pictures (do you think that will be enough???? Crap! Add another memory card to the list). But what if I get on the boat and realize I really do need duct tape? I’m kind of scared to find that on the list though. Shouldn’t the ship be constructed well enough that I shouldn’t have to make any minor repairs on my own?
This panic is amplified by the fact that I’m going to be in the middle of the ocean. If I forget something imperative, I’m screwed. It’s not like I can go to Target. Sure, I can get some essentials in the ship store, for a 50000% markup, but that does me no good if I forget my purse! So I have lists, and notes, and things laying in places that I can’t forget them. I’m considering my first tattoo. It will read “don’t forget your passport!” I’m drugging myself to sleep not only because I’m excited, but if I don’t I’ll pack, unpack and repack fifty times an hour just to make sure it’s all in there.
I think people need vacations just from the vacation planning! But in less than 72 hours, the ship will pull out of port and 8 days later, 90% of what I pack will still be unpacked and unused. Such is the nature of vacation packing.
Posted by Nikki on June 18, 2010
My therapist and I are delving into my past and trying to determine how I got to be the way I am today (read- mildly effed up). It’s usually very enlightening. We’re currently working on my obsessive “people-pleasing” issues. I hate when people are mad at me, even if I know they’re wrong to be mad, even if I secretly think they’re a jackass, I don’t want people mad at me. So we go round and round. She asks why it matters. I say because it makes me uncomfortable. She says “so what?” What does it really matter in the long run?” I squirm and say it doesn’t, but it still upsets me. We’ve really gotten no where on that matter. It boils down to the fact that it’s part of my personality and it’s probably never going to change, although I am learning to be a little less of a door mat in some respects.
So we give up on that subject for a while and talk about my past, and the mistakes I’ve made, the things that many people regret. She asked if I would change anything. I did drugs in high school, slept around, got married young, divorced young, never finished college, never held a long-term job aside from a seasonal one. Lots of little things, some big things. All things others would call mistakes. But if I had it to do all over again, I would do it all the same–the good and the bad– because every little decision led to the birth of my child.
If I wasn’t a little druggie slut, I probably would have been hanging around with the “good kids.” Instead, I hung around with a more interesting crowd. The outcasts, the other druggies, the “freaks.” You know, the fun people. I wouldn’t have become such close friends with one of my oldest and dearest friends, a very cool and unique individual (she knows who she is) that made my high school years such an adventure and talked me down from many scary depressive episodes. If I hadn’t become friends with her, I wouldn’t have met and married my first husband. Now, some may say that’s a good thing…including him probably. But if I didn’t marry him, I wouldn’t have met my current husband. And despite the fact that we’ve had our ups and downs, I’ve never regretted marrying him. I also never regretted moving to Japan for two years. That experience alone is enough to sustain me through those “I never amounted to anything” moments because even if I never do amount to anything, at least I’ll always be able to say that I lived in a foreign country for over two years. But back to the point. Without marrying my first husband, there would be no second husband, and without him, my child would not exist. So I wouldn’t go back and change a single moment because, in the end, my son is the sum of my mistakes, and he makes every one of them worthwhile.
While that’s a decent closing line, I’m not done. We talked about my approach to current and future decisions. She asked if I thought maybe I was making a mistake. I told her I didn’t really care if I was, because everything good I ever had in my life came out of a “mistake” I made, whether it was an actual mistake or perceived as one by those around me. My other truly awesome friend would not be in my life had I not made the decision to move to Japan, which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t met my current husband, which wouldn’t have happened if…you get the point. Everything I have and everything I am is a sum of my mistakes. Not only would I not change a thing, but I’ll continue to go ahead and make mistakes in the future and appreciate all the beauty that comes from them even more for it.
Posted by Nikki on June 17, 2010
I hear a lot of talk about “kids these days,” how they’re out of control, getting worse by the year, disrespectful, and so on. Supposedly, they’re so much worse than the previous generations. Maybe it’s just because I was such a “bad” kid that I think this is so totally off-base. By bad, I don’t mean I beat people up, participated in gangs or robbed the elderly. I did drugs. A fairly decent amount of drugs. Mostly pot and LSD. I dropped acid for the first time on the third day of my junior year…at school. I drank way before I was 21. I slept around. I dyed my hair black and wore really cute, freaky tights under my black skirts. I hung out at the mall…on drugs. But despite all of this, I was still a pretty good person. I was polite to my elders, never skipped school (it was kind of hard to do so though, I went to a school with only 31 people in my grade so we were easily missed), never got into fights that I started (well, once, but she deserved it!), never hurt anyone.
Now, 17 years later, I work in the mall seasonally. I see the mall rats, wearing the same freaky-cute tights, fun colored hair and tattoo-covered boys. The punks, goths and Emo kids (Emo kids have their own set of issues, but that’s a totally different post). They come in, they get glared at by older people and store owners, followed around stores like they’re there to steal and nothing more. It’s kind of sad, because most of them are really polite, sweet kids.
And really, how can kids today possibly be any worse than the coked-out children of the 80’s, the flower children of the 60’s, the greasers of the 50’s, the gangsters of the 30’s, the flappers of the 20’s and so on? Every generation had their troublemakers or “bad eggs.” Sure, there are a few things that SEEM to be getting worse. Like school shootings. But then again, there has always been violence in schools. We just have mroe media coverage now. Gangs have been an issue for decades. There’s a brat in every bunch. But overall, are kids these days really any worse than kids of those days?
[To give credit where credit is due, this post was inspired by a comment posted on facebook by my ex-husband.]
We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat
